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[Life] generations Injury

Cologna Veneta

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по убыванию Published 8.3.2016 15:32:58 | descending
This theme is already in the blogs: ... do = the blog & id = 2720 , but they (ie blogs) is very popular not enjoy, so we decided to put this story-thinking here, too.
The text is long, but very interesting and useful, especially for people like me, who want to better understand their own parents (and myself, of course).

Lyudmila Petranovskaya, psychologist:
How could she still passed the injury?

It is clear that it is always possible to explain "flow", "weaves", "ancestral memory" and so on. D., And it is quite possible that without mysticism does not get by, but if you try it? To take only the most friendly, clean, family-run aspect of the parent-child relationship, without politics and ideology. About them then somehow.

Lives family itself. Young really, just married, waiting for the baby. Or just given birth. Or maybe even had two. Love, happy, full of hope. And then disaster happens. Flywheels stories budged and went to grind people. Most often the first to get a millstone men. Revolutions, wars, repression - the first blow to him.

And now, the young mother was left alone. Her destiny - a constant anxiety, overwork (need to work and raise a child), no special joys. Funerals, "ten years without the right of correspondence", or just long absence without news, is that hope melts. Maybe it's not about her husband and about his brother, his father and other relatives. What is the state of the mother? She had to control herself, she can not really surrender to grief. On her child (ren), and much more. Inside tearing pain, and express it is not possible, you can not cry, "limp" impossible. And it hardens. Freezes in stoic voltage disconnects feelings, lives, gritting his teeth and brought together into a fist, does everything on the machine. Or worse, he plunges into a hidden depression, walking, doing what is necessary, even though she wants only one thing - to lie down and die. Her face is a frozen mask, her arms are heavy and do not bend. She was physically painful to respond to the child's smile, it minimizes contact with him, does not respond to his babbling. The child woke up at night, called her - and she muffled howling into the pillow. Sometimes anger erupts. He crawled or walked over, pulls her to want attention and affection, when she may respond by force, but sometimes suddenly roar: "Yes, leave me alone as" how would alienate what he already fly away. No, she was not angry at him - the fate, its a broken life, the one who went away and left, and did not help.

Only here the child does not know all the ins and outs of what is happening. He did not say what happened (especially if it is small). Or does he even know, but can not understand. The only explanation that it could in principle come to mind: my mother does not love me, I'm in the way it would be better if it was not me. His identity can not fully take shape without the constant emotional contact with his mother, without sharing with her glances, smiles, sounds, caresses, without having to read her face, to recognize the shades of feeling in his voice. This is necessary, inherent nature, is the main task of infancy. And what if his mother's depressive face mask? If her voice is monotonous dull with grief or stressful ringing of the alarm?

While the mother tears veins, so that the child survived elementary, died of hunger or disease, it grows itself, already injured. Not sure what its like, not sure that you need it, with poorly developed empathy. Even intelligence is disturbed in a deprivation. Remember the picture of "deuce again"? It is written in the 51. The main character in 11 years to look at. A child of war, injured more than big sister, captured the first years of a normal family life, and a younger brother, beloved child of postwar joy - father returned alive. On the wall - trophy clock. A boy is difficult to learn.

Of course, all of differently. The stock of mental strength in different women is different. The severity of grief is different. The character is different. Well, if the mother has sources of support - family, friends, older children. And if not? If the family found itself in isolation as "enemies of the people" or evacuated in a strange place? Here, or die, or stone, but as yet survive?

Years go by, it is very difficult years, and a woman learns to live without a husband. "I have a horse, I and a bull, and I a woman and a man." A horse in a skirt. Baba with eggs. What are you like, the essence is. This man, who was carrying, carrying burdens, and so used to. I adapt. And differently is simply not able to. Many remember probably grandmothers, who just could not physically sit idle. Even little old at all, all were busy, all dragged bags, all trying to chop wood. It became a way to cope with life. By the way, many of them have become so steel - yes, here such here zvukopis - that lived a long time, they did not take any disease or old age. And now, still alive, God give them health.

At the very least its expression, when the terrible course of events, a woman turned into a monster capable of killing their care. And it continues to be of iron, even if there has been such a need, even if then again lived with her husband and children out of danger. Like a vow fulfilled.

The clearest image is described in the book of Paul Sanaeva "Bury Me Under the Plinth".

And here is what the "Terrible Baba" Ekaterina Mikhailova ( "I'm at a" book is called): "Dull hair, squeezed into his mouth ... iron thread step ... Mean, suspicious, ruthless, unfeeling. She is always ready to reproach piece or pay a slap in the face: "I do not save enough for you, parasites. Eat, come on! ".... Not a drop of milk is not to squeeze out of her breasts, all of it dry and tough ... "There's still a lot of very accurately stated, and if someone does not read these two books, then it is necessary.

The worst thing in the diseased woman - not rude and authoritativeness. The worst thing - love. When reading Sanaeva, you know, it's a story about love, love is such a disfigured, but when something cold to wade. I had a girlfriend in my childhood, late child mother teenager survived the siege. She told me how it was fed, holding his head between his knees and pouring broth into his mouth. Because the child is no longer wanted, and could not, and his mother and grandmother believed that they should. There are so weathered hunger gnawing inside that crying girl alive, my dear, beloved voice that hunger could not block.

And my other girlfriend mom took with him when he was doing illegal abortions. And she showed her daughter a small bowl full of blood, saying: Look, some guys, they do to us. Here it is, ladies our share. if she wanted to hurt the daughter? No, just keep. It was love.

And the worst thing - that the features of the "Terrible woman" is our whole system of child protection so far. Medicine, School guardianship. The main thing - that the child was "fine." To the body was safe. Soul, feelings, affection - not before. Save at any cost. Feed and cure. Very, very slowly, it disappears, and we have something as a child went to the full, the nurse, who doormat face beaten, who did not sleep during the day, remember very well.

But let us leave aside the extreme cases. Just a woman just mom. Simply mount. Just a child, grew up with the suspicion that it is not needed and disliked, although this is not true, and for him only, and mom and survived all suffered. And it grows, trying to earn the love, since she did not put him in vain. It Helps. Nothing requires. Sam is busy. For younger looking. Succeeds. It tries to be helpful. Just like mineral. Just comfortable and correct. Those lessons, and he will do, and will wash the floor in the house, and junior bed, prepare dinner for Mother's arrival. Heard, probably more than once this kind raskazy about the post-war childhood? "We come to the head could not talk to his mother!" - It's about today's youth. Still would. Still would. Firstly, the iron hand of a woman and heavy. And secondly - who will risk crumbs of warmth and intimacy? This is a luxury, you know, rude parents.
The trauma went on to the next round.

The time will come and he will create this child a family, give birth to children. Years like this in the 60's. Someone so was "rolled" the mother of iron that turned out to be only able to play its style of behavior. We must also not forget that the mothers that many children are not very much and seen in two months - nursery, then five days, all summer - with a garden in the country, and so on. d. That is, "laminating" is not only the family but also the institutions in which "Scary women" zavsegda enough.

But consider a more favorable option. The child was traumatized by his mother grief, but it does not freeze the soul. And then the world in general and thaw, and flew into space, and so you want to live, and love, and be loved. For the first time taking on his own hands, the small and warm baby, the young mother suddenly understands: there he is. Here is the one who finally fall in love with her for real, who really needed. From that moment her life takes on new meaning. She lives for the sake of children. Or for one child she loved so passionately, and to think that can not share this love even to someone. She quarrels with her own mother, who tries to otstegat grandson nettles - so it is impossible. She hugs and kisses her child and sleeps with him, and do not inhale it, and only now, retroactively realizes how much she has been deprived in childhood. It is absorbed by this new sense completely, all her hopes, aspirations - all in this child. She "lives his life," his feelings, interests and concerns. They have no secrets to each other. With him she was better than anyone else the other.

Only one bad - it grows. Rapidly growing, and what then? Really lonely again? Surely again - empty bed? Psychoanalysts have here a lot of things said about displaced eroticism and all that, but it seems to me that there is not any particular eroticism. Only a child who had suffered lonely nights and no longer wants. So strongly does not want that his mind otshibaet. "I can not sleep until you do not come." I think we in the 60-70 this phrase often spoken mother to children, and not vice versa.

What happens to the baby? He can not respond to the request of his mother's passionate love. It is beyond him. He happily merges with it, he cares, he fears for her health. The worst thing - when my mother was crying, and when her heart aches. Just do it. "Well, I'll stay mum. Of course, Mom, I do not want these dances. " But really I want to, because there is love, self life, liberty, and usually the child still vomits Us, tearing pain, hard, bloody, because nobody voluntarily will not let go. And away, taking with them the guilt and resentment leaving the mother. After all, she "devoted her whole life, did not sleep nights." She put all of myself, without a trace, and now presents the bill, and the child does not want to pay. Where's the justice? Here and legacy of the "iron" a woman comes in handy in the course are scandals, threats and pressure. Oddly enough, this is not the worst option. Violence begets resistance and allows the same to separate, albeit incurring losses.
Some carry out their role so well that the child simply can not go. Dependence, guilt, fear for the mother's health is tied by thousands of strong threads, this is a play about Ptushkina "While she was dying," on which a much lighter film is removed, there Vasilyeva mother plays, and Jankowski - contender for the daughter. Every New Year's Eve show, must have seen everything. And the best - from the point of view of the mother - Alternatively, if the daughter still goes briefly married and left with the child. And then sweet togetherness can be transferred to his grandson and lasts on, and if you're lucky enough to die.

And often enough, as this generation of women is much less healthy, they often die much earlier than their mothers, the last war. Because there is no steel armor, and destroy resentment strikes the heart, weaken protection against the most terrible disease. Often, their health problems are beginning to be used as an unconscious manipulation, then it is difficult not to play too, and suddenly everything is bad in the present. In doing so, they have grown up without a mother's attentive loving-kindness, and thus take care of themselves are not used and do not know how, not treated, can not themselves indulge, yes, by and large, do not feel such a great value, especially if you are sick and steel "worthless."

But there is something we are all women, but where are the men? Where are the fathers? From someone also had to give birth to children?

With this difficult. The girl and the boy who grew up without fathers, create a family. They both are hungry for love and care. They both hope to get them from a partner. But the only model of the family, known to them - a self-sufficient, "the woman with the eggs», which, by and large, do not need a man. That is great if there is, she loves him and everything. But really it for anything, not sewn mare's tail, rosette on the cake. "Sit down, my dear, in a corner, football look, and even interfere with the wash floors. Do not play with your child, you walk around it, then do not go to sleep. Do not touch it, you ruin everything. Stand back, I'll "and stuff like that. And the boys, too, mothers are grown. Obey accustomed. Psychoanalysts would note further that with the father of my mother, and did not compete because the men themselves did not feel. Well, physically in the same house mother often he attended the wife or husband, or even both. But where to go? Come here to encourage men ...

Some men have found a way out by becoming a "second mother". And then only because she is my mother, as we remember, "eggs" and iron rumble intermittently. As a matter of good form turned out something like Uncle Theodore Pope: soft, caring, sensitive, everything is permitted. In the interim - a workaholic, who just ran off to work on all of this. The bad --- an alcoholic. Because a man who freely do not need his woman, who always hears only "get away, do not disturb," and a comma "what kind of father you did not take care of children" (read "not doing so as I consider it necessary" ), is a woman or a change - and to whom, if everything about these? - Or go into oblivion.

On the other hand, the man himself has no coherent model of responsible fatherhood. In their eyes, or in the stories are many older fathers just stood up one morning and went - and never returned. That's so simple. And nothing is normal. Therefore, many men felt quite natural that, leaving the family, they ceased to be her attitude, did not communicate with their children, did not help. I sincerely believed that nothing should "This hysterical", which remained with their child, and at some deep level, may have been right, because often women just yuzali them as inseminator and the children were they more important than men. So still the question of who owes whom. Resentment, which felt a man makes it easy to agree with his conscience and score, and if this was not enough, so here is because vodka is sold everywhere.

Oh, the divorces of the seventies - a painful, cruel, with the ban to see the children, to break all relations with insults and accusations. Painful disappointment two nedolyublennosti children who were so eager to love and happiness, so much hope pinned on each other, and he / she - cheated / well, it's not that, you bastard, bitch, scum ... They could not establish in the family circle of love, everyone was hungry and wanted to get, or just wanted to give, but for it - the authorities. They are terribly afraid of loneliness, but it came to him, simply because, in addition to loneliness never saw nothing.

The result - a resentment, emotional wounds, even more ruined health, women are more fixated on children, men still drink more.

In men, it imposes on all identification with the dead and disappeared fathers. Because the boy is necessary, it is vital to be like his father. But what if the only thing that is known about him - that he was killed? He was very brave, had fought against the enemies - and died? Or worse - it is known only that he died? And for him in the house do not speak, because he is missing or has been arrested? Disappeared - that's all the information? What is a young guy, except for suicidal behavior? Drinking, fighting, three packs of cigarettes a day, racing motorcycles, the work to a heart attack. My father was a young man assembling climber. My favorite feature was - work at height without insurance. Oh, and everything else, too, drinking, smoking, ulcer. Divorce, of course, is not alone. In 50 years of heart attack and death. His father was missing, he went to the front before the birth of her son. It is not known anything but the name, no pictures, nothing.

Here in this entourage about kids growing up, the third generation already.

In my class, more than half of the children's parents were divorced, and of those who lived together, perhaps only two or three families was similar to marital happiness. I remember how my institute girlfriend told me that her parents are watching television in an embrace and kiss at the same time. She was 18, gave birth to her too early, that is, parents were 36-37. We were all amazed. Abnormal, or what? It does not happen!

Of course, a corresponding set of slogans: "All men - bastards", "All the women - bitches," "A good deal will not be called marriage." And that, life is confirmed. Wherever you look ...

But it happened, and good. In the late 60's mother had the opportunity to sit with children up to one year. They are no longer considered at this tuneyadkami. That someone would put a monument, so the author of this innovation. I do not know just who he is. Of course, the year still had to give, and it is injured, but that is not comparable, and about the injury the next time. And so the children are happily passed the most terrible threat of deprivation, the most crippling - to a year. Well, usually people spinning even then, the mother will take a vacation, the grandmother in turn, has won a bit. Such is the constant game was - the family against "the approaching night," against the "Dreadful woman" against the iron heel of the motherland. Such cat-and-mouse.

And good happened - independent housing began to appear. Hruschoby notorious. Also put ever monument to this flimsy concrete stenochku which performed a huge role - covered the last seven all-seeing eye of the state and society. Although you could hear everything through them, and all are some no - autonomy. Border. Protection. Den. The chance of recovery.

The third generation begins his adult life with its own set of injuries, but also with its fairly large resource. We are loved. Let not, as told to psychologists, but frankly a lot. We were fathers. Let drinkers and / or "henpecked" and / or "dropped out of the mother goats" in the majority, but they had the name, face, and they have also in their love. Our parents were not cruel. We had the house native walls.
Not all all the same, of course, were the family more or less happy and prosperous.
But on the whole.
In short, due to us.

Now, the third generation. I will not here rigidly attached to the year of birth, because someone gave birth at 18, someone - 34, the farther, the more blurred the distinct "shore" flow. It is important script transmission, and the age may be from 50 to 30. In short, the war generation grandchildren, children of war children.

"Since we owed" - is, in general, the third-generation motto. Generations of children forced to become parents of their own parents. In psychology, this is called "parentifikatsiya".

And what could I do? Nedolyublennosti children of war spread around so powerful vibes of helplessness that do not respond to was impossible. Therefore, the third-generation children were not independent of age and felt the constant responsibility of the parents. Childhood with a key around his neck, with first-class in their own school - music school - to the store, if in a vacant lot or garages - too anything. The lessons themselves, soup to warm ourselves, we know how. The main thing is that my mother is not upset. Very revealing memories of childhood: "I do not ask my parents always knew that not enough money, tried kak-to sew, do", "I once badly hit his head at school was bad, sick, but my mother did not say - afraid to upset. Apparently, it was a concussion, and the consequences have so far "," To me the neighbor molested, trying to touch something, then its economy has shown. But I did not tell my mother, she was afraid that she was ill with a heart would be, "" I am very homesick for his father, even wept quietly. But my mom said that I am well and he does not need me. She was very angry at him after the divorce. " Dina Rubina has a story pitched "bramble". Classic: a divorced mother, six year old son, selflessly showing indifference to his father, who is passionate about. Together with her mother, curled up in his little den against the alien world of winter. And it's quite safe families, it also happens that the children searched for drunken fathers ditches and drags himself home, and mom pulled out of the loop with their own hands or tablets from her hiding. Commercials in eight years.

And divorce, as we remember, or life-style cat and dog "(for the sake of the children, of course). And children mediators, peacemakers, who are willing to sell the soul to reconcile parents to glue together again the fragile family well-being. Do not complain, do not aggravate, do not shine, and the angry dad, and my mom crying and says that "it would be better to die than to live like this," and it's very scary. Learn to anticipate, smooth corners, discharge situation. Be ever vigilant, to look after his family. For no one else.

The symbol of generation can be considered the boy's uncle Theodore of funny cartoon. Funny something funny, but not really. Boy is the most adult member of the family. And it also does not go to school, so there is no seven. I went to the village where he lives, but is worried about his parents. They only fall into a swoon, a drop of cordial drink and hands helplessly.

Or remember the boy Roma from the movie "You can not dream?" He was 16, and he was the only adult of all the characters in the film. His parents - typical "children of war", the girl's parents - "eternal youth", teacher, grandmother ... These console, then support those reconcile, there is help here to wipe the tears. And all this against the background of adult laments, they say, too early for love. Yeah, and all of them nursing - just right.

Since his childhood. And when it's time to grow up and leave home - impossible separation flour, and wine, wine, wine, half angrily, and the choice is very cheerful: the department - and it would kill Mom, or stay and die as the person himself.

However, if you stay, you will always say that you need to arrange their own lives, and what you're doing wrong, wrong and wrong, otherwise a long time would be his own family. When any candidate, he, of course, turned out to be worthless, and he would start against an underlying long war to a victorious end. About all this there are so many films and books that will not even enumerate.

It is interesting that with all of this, and they and their parents perceive their childhood as quite good. Indeed, children are loved, parents are alive, life is quite safe. For the first time in many years - a happy childhood without hunger, epidemics, war and all that.
Well, almost happy. Because even they were kindergarten, often with a five-day, and the school and camp and other delights of the Soviet childhood, who have been in the suit, and to whom, and not very much. And there was a lot of violence and humiliation, and the helpless parents could not protect. Or even really could, but the children did not apply to them, they took care of. I've never told my mother not that in the kindergarten in the face with a cloth and beat barley through vomit cramps in your mouth shove. Though now, in hindsight, I understand that it would, perhaps, this garden would be smashed by stones. But then it seemed to me - it is impossible.

This is the eternal problem - the child is not critical, it can not sensibly assess the real state of affairs. He always takes his own expense and greatly exaggerated. And always ready to sacrifice themselves. Just as the children of the war took the usual fatigue and sorrow for the lack of love, as their non-adult children took some mothers and fathers for the complete vulnerability and helplessness. Although it was not, in most cases, and it can stand the parents for their children, and would not have crumbled, died of a heart attack. And the neighbor would be shortened, and the nurse, and would buy what I need and were allowed to see the Pope. But - the children were afraid. Exaggerating reinsured. Sometimes, then, when all been disclosed, the parents were asked in horror: "Well, why did you tell me? Yes, I would, of course ... "No answer. Because - it is impossible. It was felt, that's all.

The third generation was the generation of anxiety, guilt, giperotvestvennosti. All of this had its advantages, these people are now successful in many different areas, they are able to negotiate and take into account the different points of view. Anticipate, be vigilant, to make decisions on their own without waiting for outside help - strengths. Protect, care, take care.

But there giperotvestvennosti, like any "hyper" and the other side. If the inner child of military children lacked love and security, the inner child "generation Uncle Fedor" lacked childlike, carefree. А внутренний ребенок – он свое возьмет по-любому, он такой. Ну и берет. Именно у людей этого поколения часто наблюдается такая штука, как «агрессивно-пассивное поведение». This means that the situation "is necessary, but do not want to" man does not protest openly: "I do not want and I will not!", But not humbled "Well, it is necessary, how it should be." Он всякими разными, порой весьма изобретательными способами, устраивает саботаж. Забывает, откладывает на потом, не успевает, обещает и не делает, опаздывает везде и всюду и т. п. Ох, начальники от этого воют прямо: ну, такой хороший специалист, профи, умница, талант, но такой неорганизованный…

Often, this generation of people say in a sense that they are older than others, even the elderly. И при этом сами не ощущают себя «вполне взрослыми», нет «чувства зрелости». Молодость как-то прыжком переходит в пожилой возраст. И обратно, иногда по нескольку раз в день.

Еще заметно сказываются последствия «слияния» с родителями, всего этого «жить жизнью ребенка». Many remember that a child's parents and / or grandmother did not tolerate the closed door: "Are you hiding something?". А врезать в свою дверь защелку было равносильно «плевку в лицо матери». Ну, о том, что нормально проверить карманы, стол, портфель и прочитать личный дневник... Редко какие родители считали это неприемлемым. Про сад и школу вообще молчу, одни туалеты чего стоили, какие нафиг границы… В результате дети, выросшие в ситуации постоянного нарушения границ, потом блюдут эти границы сверхревностно. Редко ходят в гости и редко приглашают к себе. Напрягает ночевка в гостях (хотя раньше это было обычным делом). They do not know the neighbors and do not want to know - and suddenly they start to friends engraved? Painfully tolerate any forced proximity (eg, coupled, in a hotel room), because I do not know, do not know how to put borders easily and naturally to give the pleasure of communicating, and put "anti-tank" on the distant approaches.

And what about the family? Большинство и сейчас еще в сложных отношения со своими родителями (или их памятью), у многих не получилось с прочным браком или получилось не с первой попытки, а только после отделения (внутреннего) от родителей.

Конечно, полученные и усвоенные в детстве установки про то, что мужики только и ждут, чтобы «поматросить и бросить», а бабы только и стремятся, что «подмять под себя», счастью в личной жизни не способствуют. Но появилась способность «выяснять отношения», слышать друг друга, договариваться. Разводы стали чаще, поскольку перестали восприниматься как катастрофа и крушение всей жизни, но они обычно менее кровавые, все чаще разведенные супруги могут потом вполне конструктивно общаться и вместе заниматься детьми.

Often the first child appeared in the fleeting "osemenitelskom" status, reproduce the parent model. Then the child was given to fully or partially his grandmother as a "repurchase", and my mother got a chance to still separate and begin to live their lives. Кроме идеи утешить бабушку, здесь еще играет роль многократно слышанное в детстве «я на тебя жизнь положила». That is, people have grown up with the installation of that to raise a child, even one - is something unreal difficult and heroic. It is often memories of how hard it was to the first-born. Even those who have given birth in the era of diapers, food in cans, washing machines and other gadgets. Not to mention the central heating, hot water and other benefits of civilization. "I first summer spent with the child in the country, her husband came just for the weekend. Как же было тяжело! Я просто плакала от усталости». Дача с удобствами, ни кур, ни коровы, ни огорода, ребенок вполне здоровый, муж на машине привозит продукты и памперсы. Но как же тяжело!

But what is not hard if you know in advance the conditions of the task: "to put life, nights not sleeping, health ditch." Тут уж хочешь - не хочешь… Эта установка заставляет ребенка бояться и избегать. В результате мама, даже сидя с ребенком, почти с ним не общается и он откровенно тоскует. Нанимаются няни, они меняются, когда ребенок начинает к ним привязываться – ревность! - And now we have a new circle - deprivirovanogo, nedolyublennosti child, something very similar to that of the military, but there is no war. Призовой забег. Look at the children in some expensive guesthouse full of content. Тики, энурез, вспышки агрессии, истерики, манипуляции. The children's home, only with English and tennis. А у кого нет денег на пансион, тех на детской площадке в спальном районе можно увидеть. «Куда полез, идиот, сейчас получишь, я потом стирать должна, да?» Ну, и так далее, «сил моих на тебя нет, глаза б мои тебя не видели», с неподдельной ненавистью в голосе. Почему ненависть? So he is the executioner! Он же пришел, чтобы забрать жизнь, здоровье, молодость, так сама мама сказала!

Другой вариант сценария разворачивается, когда берет верх еще одна коварная установка гиперотвественных: все должно быть ПРАВИЛЬНО! Наилучшим образом! И это – отдельная песня. Early mastered parental role "Uncle Fedorov" are often obsessed with the conscious parenting. Господи, если они осилили в свое время родительскую роль по отношению к собственным папе с мамой, неужели своих детей не смогут воспитать по высшему разряду? A balanced diet, exercises for babies, educational classes for the year, with three English. Литература для родителей, читаем, думаем, пробуем. To be consistent, to find a common language, not to go out of himself, to explain everything, deal with a child. И вечная тревога, привычная с детства – а вдруг что не так? What if something is not taken into account? А если можно было и лучше? И почему мне не хватает терпения? And what am I for the mother (father)?

In general, if the generation of war children lived in the belief that they are - wonderful parents, what to look for, and their children have a happy childhood, that generation is almost universal giperotvestvennyh hit "parental neurosis." Они (мы) уверены, что они чего-то не учли, не доделали, мало «занимались» ребенком (еще и работать посмели, и карьеру строить, матери-ехидны), они (мы) тотально не уверенны в себе как в родителях, всегда недовольны школой, врачами, обществом, всегда хотят для своих детей больше и лучше.

Несколько дней назад мне звонила знакомая – из Канады! - With a disturbing question: 4 year daughter can not read, what to do? Эти тревожные глаза мам при встрече с учительницей – у моего не получаются столбики! «А-а-а, мы все умрем!», как любит говорить мой сын, представитель следующего, пофигистичного, поколения. И он еще не самый яркий, так как его спасла непроходимая лень родителей и то, что мне попалась в свое время книжка Никитиных, где говорилось прямым текстом: мамашки, не парьтесь, делайте как вам приятно и удобно и все с дитем будет хорошо. Там еще много всякого говорилось, что надо в специальные кубики играть и всяко развивать, но это я благополучно пропустила Оно само развилось до вполне приличных масштабов.

К сожалению, у многих с ленью оказалось слабовато. И родительствовали они со страшной силой и по полной программе. Результат невеселый, сейчас вал обращений с текстом «Он ничего не хочет. Lying on the couch, not working and not studying. Sitting, staring at the computer. You would not want to answer. На все попытки поговорить огрызается.». What did he want, if at all othoteli already? For that he was responsible, if there parents who do not feed bread - give pootvechat for someone else? Хорошо, если просто лежит на диване, а не наркотики принимает. Не покормить недельку, так, может, встанет. If you are already taking - all the worse.

But this generation is still part of the life, we will not until it hang tags. Жизнь покажет.

Чем дальше, тем больше размываются «берега», множатся, дробятся, причудливо преломляются последствия пережитого. Думаю, к четвертому поколению уже гораздо важнее конкретный семейный контекст, чем глобальная прошлая травма. Но нельзя не видеть, что много из сегодняшнего дня все же растет из прошлого.

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Люлёк (11.3.2016 02:26) Михаил (8.3.2016 22:34) zebra (8.3.2016 15:40)

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Posted on 03/11/2016 2:42:23
And I'm still thinking ... there are many interesting ideas, but about "transfer trauma" on the other hand, I taught - not only in global-historical, but in the psychoanalytic sense - from generation to generation in the same family.

And these two points of view, strangely intertwined. I am currently. Returning to the article - there are many interesting things, but at the moment for me acutely relevant as times about the "anti-tank" . I am aware that it was just some kind of end in itself - to protect its own borders from the slightest "encroachments." Moreover - as an "encroachment" I feel even such innocent things as her husband's questions, "and what (or who) do you write?" or the desire to hug the child. A couple of years ago, I refused hospitalization (thank goodness it was not vital, just desired), because just I can not imagine how I would have been able to survive for several weeks in a room with some unfamiliar aunts (and in fact even 12 years ago, quietly lying on the preservation of a 6-bed room and not myavkala). I can not imagine to go to someone for a visit with an overnight stay. I cringe and starts to pose as her husband immediately met at the hotel / plane / restaurant / beach and immediately locality starting invite new friends: "Here is our address, come to visit us"

What am I? To ensure that no such "injury" in my child was not in the plan. No one entered without permission into the room, did not read the blog (yes I did and did not lead), do not open letters, not retell my secrets neighbors and so on. It was a full respect for the individual and its secrets (if there were).

According to the stories my mother, I was such a "separate" almost from birth - a small I just put up or protested, when I took on his hands, and when learned to crawl and walk, then any attempt to take me to handle, I turned stubbornly snake-snake He slipped on the floor and waste-to crawl to a safe distance.

Those. although the article provides a very interesting and correct facts and explanations, not everything can be explained by the socio-historical reasons - there are deeper, family and personal.

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Aveita (03.11.2016 14:02)
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Опубликовано 11.3.2016 14:19:07 Author | Posted 11/03/2016 14:19:07
On the question of compliance by zealous own borders: Yes, I also not so simple. On the one hand, the mother sinned complete disrespect to our My sister and individuals (open door, checking drawers of his desk, reading emails, meticulous vypytyvanie (now) anything and everything, and so forth. On the other hand, now I can already say for sure that itself I - the thing in itself , Borders directly sverhrevnostno absolutely not a dish, but "anti-tank" in reserve are . By the way, Mom itself with its neighbors have never been friends for an overnight stay, we never ever were, at the same did not take, etc.
But though the husband and grown under different conditions, but the border guards jealously oochen (just one in a description of Julia). So, yes, article by article, but life is much more diverse (what we once said).


"Mom itself with its neighbors have never been friends for an overnight stay, we never ever were, at the same did not take, etc." - Eeeeee !!! this is about my mom)))) it is with living parents grew up in a children's house (Published 11/03/2016 17:28
I think this is such behavior. Published 11/03/2016 17:28
Ol, you know, it's not a very clear story (about my mother) for me. It is the third, the youngest was in a family, and we always talked about how she was loved by all. But her father died when she was 18. Published on 03.11.2016 18:09
and aunt recently in a conversation said that the grandmother (mother of that is) was a harsh woman. So I think now that my mother's childhood may not have been so sweet, she told us. Published 11/03/2016 18:10
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Posted 12/03/2016 21:26:59
although the article provides a very interesting and correct facts and explanations, not everything can be explained by the socio-historical reasons - there are deeper, family and personal.

I totally agree! На личном примере убеждена, что очень и очень важна родительская (чуть больше даже именно материнская) интуиция и, как одно из ее следствий, неустанное желание учиться уважать (уметь уважать!) границы личного пространства собственного ребенка в каждый момент их (границ) непрекращающейся эволюции.
Ох, как же это трудно!

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Люлёк (12.3.2016 21:33)
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