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The name may seem to some a bit shocking, provocative, but the contents of this article, the dialogue seemed to me quite interesting and worthy of attention. (Although controversial in some places, but better) |
"The youth went wrong", - the older generation grumbles. Based on this promise, it seems that we are, everywhere you look, surrounded by effeminate men zakuklivshiesya in its virtual little world of "pros" and emancipated hysterical girls who dream only of how to quickly marry rich "daddy." Not to mention alcoholics and drug addicts. The nation degenerates? Of course not. But the question of how to raise children, is particularly relevant today. Eyes run from the various "progressive" methods. Both parents go to extremes. Some let their children of almost everything and then wonder that child to adulthood never adapted to life. Others, on the contrary, make every effort to download it in full, considering that the main task - to reveal the many talents of their offspring, without thinking about what actually deprive him of his childhood. And in fact, and in another case, parents of most good intentions, but they "zalyublivayut" their children so they do not notice, as this will cripple them. And is there a happy medium? Today we will discuss this complex issue with a psychotherapist Andrew Metelskaya.
Who is it?
Andrew Metel'skii solve the problem of fathers and children more than a dozen years. By training he is a pediatrician, adolescent psychotherapist, sexologist, in addition Gestalt trainer, certified coach INTC center, co-founder of the Institute of Contemporary NLP. Enumerate regalia our interlocutor can be quite long. But whether it is necessary? Talk with Andrew at the outset proved to be a difficult, uncomfortable and a little intimidating. Try to try on his thoughts and experience for yourself. We are confident that they will make you look at your life from a very different side.
- Let's start with the principal. Do we really cripple children for their love?
- In order to understand this complex subject, let's define some basic concepts. I'm afraid it will be difficult for many parents perceive them, for sure it will be unpleasant. Parents of children do not like. What is meant by the term "love for children" at home and in psychology - is attachment. Love - is a kind of internal state that is simply there, I can experience it, but it is no one can not be sent. So, love can not be to someone or something. So what we have lifelong experience in relation to their children - is attachment, and it is akin to affection for the bottle, car, cigarettes and so on.
Parents do not like children, parents love the child himself. We all strive to ensure that our scion was successful in those areas where we have not taken place. What kind of toys we give the child? Most often, those who in themselves are not played as a child. In the same way we love ourselves in some sort of machine, hanging on her spoilers, making tuning and showing off to your friends: "Look, what my cool car!" In the same way we love a spouse - is not this individual, and himself in it: "Look, what a leggy blonde goes with me. This is not it so cool, and I'm cool, because she chose me. " Of course, I exaggerate, but ...
To love a child, we must first learn to love yourself. In part, it's pretty cliche, but most people do not realize its depth. The trouble is that we all do not like myself, and here is a paradox: how can we in this case, to love someone, because you simply can not model behavior! Love yourself - this is clearly aware of their needs and do not replace them with substitutes and dependencies. For example, I now have a need for attention - and I'm going to look for that attention, instead of to smoke or drink. If we begin to waste money, it means only one thing - that we subconsciously feel a lack of self-love and try it - again surrogate - to compensate. If I love myself, I was, by and large, almost nothing else. It is a statement that is very close to the truth. Buddha is not in vain I said a person at birth is all that he needs.
And here is one more unpleasant fact: give birth to children due to a single motivation - fear of death. If we were immortal, it is likely there would be no family, no children. What for? Because then there is no point to think about is to remember you do not have to think about the "trail that you leave."
So we give birth to children in order to continue in them, get a surrogate immortality. That is why we are beginning to "zalyublivat" sons and daughters against their will: to give endless, they completely unnecessary circles and sections, torture them total control. And like we want them to be successful, but in fact it is not. Because, if you look objectively, we are trying to replace their vision of their unique life. We can not admit that a son or daughter - is a completely separate person, and desperately want to see in them the continuation of a loved one. We are ready to cripple the child his whole destiny, even if only for a few prolong the existence of the planet the particles themselves as individuals.
- Once a topic that we discuss, from the start has grown to universal scale ...
- The scale of think for a simple example. When you enter into any contact with the child, ask yourself: what do I do now, is done in order for it to be successful, or that I was calm or amuse your ego? By and large, this is the only question that should be asked parents when they are engaged in education. I think 80-90 percent of us will find the strength to admit, in the first place we think of their own tranquility.
Let's start with the simplest things. When our three or four toddler climbs in the yard on slides and swings, we continually pulls it. Based on what? First of all from my own mind. Yes, the child may fall, and it will hurt. But that's life! How else can he get a basic and correct view of the world, not stuffed his bruises and bumps? Naturally, everything is good in moderation. Knowing from experience that certain actions can cause injury guaranteed, we warn them. If you respect the child, such restrictions will not be much.
- And what about the maternal instinct, the heart that aches for their child?
- That's what I'm talking about. Do not you think of the son and of his sick heart. And while trying to replace a child's life. Classical metaphor of modern education - a cry in a sandbox: "Senya, go home!" - "Mom, I'm that cold?" - "No, you're hungry!" Parents have better child knows what he wants. But it is not so! Every child is born as an individual, he has a mission on this earth, his destiny. We have this mission can not know, but it is hard child "educate". Rave!
The love of a child implies respect. I respect any decision. Yes, I can imagine that this decision may lead to a not very good consequences, and I warn him about it.
- And allowed to choose?
- That's just here - the main mistake. Allow to choose - it is to dispose of the property again. I repeat: I respect his choice. Linguistically all very accurately reflected.
- The child says, "I'm tired of school, I do not want to go there ..."
- Let no one goes!
- Can you imagine the consequences?
- I had such adolescents. They deliberately abandoned school, and I recommend parents not to keep them in it. Here, for example, bright situation. The teenager learned in each class for two years, Losers was, fought, was completely unmanageable. After our training, the mother came home and gave him the responsibility for their lives. That is to say: do as you see fit. It is the same day left the school. A week later, he got a job, and a month later at his own request brought documents to night school. Guy good money, became in the end an excellent student, and now he's pretty well-known director in Moscow. He handed over the responsibility for their lives, and he built it the way I wanted ...
- That is nothing parents think that they can act as a "deterrent"?
- I worked for many years with their families - parents and children. I can tell you that if the child is respected and understood that he must give the right to their own development, it always grows a brilliant, creative, flexible. A smart parent should be very careful, watch what you want a child. If my son two years liked to sit on my hands and count the passing cars, I was standing with him on 20-40 minutes, knowing that in the future it would do him good. When the son went into first grade, he was already in his mind folded double figures.
Someone from the parent strain, the child runs around all day like a fool with a stick. Parents, it's great! Think of yourself as a child! Found a stick for a child - is a whole world: the spear, the machine, the wheel of the aircraft, and more. Why do we force a child who has found a stick on the street, immediately toss it? He thanks her world builds, creates, develops imagination and intellect.
World children psychology - all very interesting thing. I'll even tell you that ghosts do not exist, or friends with whom communicate child - this is not stupidity. Why do we categorically state that we have nothing? For a child is, it thanks to these "phantoms" metaphorically developing, studying, getting rid of some of their fears. Even I, as a therapist, do not always know what the problem is now solved the child's brain, inventing itself some allies.
- Do not grow sooner or later, the respect of the selection of permissiveness?
- In psychology, there is the concept of internal and external references - a polarity that we are building in their value system, and the system of values that affects us from outside. The child must be taught to the internal reference. Gathering information outside, it should be able to make their own decision in this case. Learning that it can only in practice, feeling freedom. Here's an example on fingers, again from my personal life. His son I give pocket money. We went to the shop with pastries. I see that the child is not only a pleasure to eat sweets, but also independently calculate the required amount, get it out of the bag. And the saleswoman tells his son: "Look, kid, this is the most delicious cake with curds!" The son up at her and said: "Thank you, but I, in fact, know how to read." At that moment I realized that doing the right thing, that he has internal reference. Even if he will be offered drugs, it is unlikely to ride: he learned to make decisions himself.
The internal reference provides a great deal, sometimes completely non-obvious things. For example, it allows you to stay healthy: we simply will not lead to "advertise" the flu. When I worked as a pediatrician noticed an interesting trend: the influenza epidemic begins a week after the newspaper and went to the subway advertising influenza drugs. People without an internal reference, reading the signs, are ready for them, configure them. And now - the disease has appeared!
Inner freedom is, of course, implies a certain framework. Remember the basic rule of life preached by the hippies in the seventies of the last century? "Do what you like, without disturbing others." In my opinion, a very correct idea. The child should explain that his freedom ends where the freedom of another begins human.
- Now it is very fashionable Tibetan model of raising a child, which states that up to five years is necessary to treat him like a king, with a five to ten - as a slave, and after ten - as an equal. The time frame may vary, but the general idea is clear. What do you think about it?
- It is understood that in some areas the child is simply no basis upon which decisions can be made. Therefore, you have to wonder: and before all to let you discuss what is right and what is not? You have beaten the situation, told about the consequences of a particular action? Without this base of inner freedom once again still grows into permissiveness.
It is, in fact, a huge misfortune. Parents often talk about the problems in dealing with children, and they do not talk to them yourself! My position in this regard is clear: with the child need to talk on equal terms, without lisping, from the first minutes of life. And do not tell me that the baby talk - it is a manifestation of tenderness. You know how children understand that they are loved? One unique way - through the eyes. And now a question for parents: how often you communicate with children, looking them in the eyes with love? Most of the communication is as follows: the child something mutters, and we answer over his shoulder. At the same time we are physically located on different levels: we have above, the child below. What kind of equality and mutual understanding can be said? Why are you surprised that in the end the child is no longer able to hear you?
Go ahead. Let's think about that when most parents are looking into the eyes of a child? That's right - when abused. Like, you've done something, and now look at me. The most important channel of communication is transformed into an instrument of suppression. Logically, then at the reception, on the street - but everywhere I see people who are trying not to meet with you eyes. It comes from my childhood! The channel is blocked, more than that - a negative anchor created: "If I look at the eyes, so will expose today."
If you criticize a child - turn away. Not in vain before put in the corner.
Now, practical advice. How to create a basis for deciding a child? He asks the question, you descend to the level of his eyes (or sadite it on the table) and lead an equal dialogue.
When I worked as a therapist in the clinic, I was very often resulted in children who stutter. In 80% of cases I could actually help in the same simple advice. As soon as the child turned to you, drop everything and listen to it carefully out more at this moment for you in the world does not exist!
Stuttering - more often than not fear, as the grandmother said that it is necessary to earn money, and frustration of the child to communicate. He wants to convey to parents the idea, ask a question, and it can not hear. Or listen to, but just the beginning of the monologue (which happens more often). And the child, trying to have time to speak out, says it all faster, but his vocal apparatus are not yet fully formed. So he starts to stutter. And then it went in a circle, like a snowball. The child stammers, speaks slowly, parents are much less listen to it and so on.
So in most cases, parents who had the wisdom and patience to perform this simple condition, shot stuttering maximum per month.
Children do not carry nonsense, they are wise, and I highly recommend listening to them carefully. What kind of love you can speak to the child, if we do not respect his opinion, his thoughts, his world. Let us think that everything you ask a child - it's banality, remember that for him the world - is a series of discoveries. Do not put at the heart of "learning", concentrates its forces to "listen."
- What are the signs in the child's behavior should cause parents to worry about?
- Any. I am afraid that in this enlightened age, many parents believe that a nervous tic, enuresis and stuttering - a disease, which have no relation to the psychological health of the child. I am sure that every child's illness - a reason to ask the question: "What am I doing wrong? What's going on in our relationship, "The vast majority of children - very healthy and strong creatures that" go to the disease, "primarily due to psychological problems.
Of course, belong to the symptoms of anxiety and any behavioral things that go beyond the rules recognized in the society. In short, if you just do not like something in a child, it is already to go to a therapist or psychologist and understand the situation.
- By and large, it turns out that the experts have to go almost all parents?
- Yes. And all because there is no proper education institute, we are not taught how to be parents. Therefore, all the "schools" that were in the relationship with our parents, we project onto their children, adding also their own. And in most cases, have to work with a psychiatrist is the parents, not the children. Over the years, my work in the children and adolescent psychiatric clinic I have rarely come across cases where it was necessary to do targeted work with the child. Most often, it was enough to correct the behavior of their parents. The child - a lamp, an indicator that the family that something is wrong. Sense to treat it is not until the conditions have changed in the family. Otherwise, both will thus text that I typed on a computer, printed out and found errors. Rather than correct these mistakes, I continue with the tenacity of a maniac to display more and more copies of the printer in the hope that it will fix the situation ...
- Can a parent to look at the acts impartially and adjust it yourself?
- Of course not. Система не может изменить сама себя, ее меняют только выходя за пределы. Идеальное решение — работа со специалистом. Как вариант: обратитесь за советом к человеку, заслуживающему вашего доверия, который успешен в общении со своими детьми.
— Насколько детский сад и школа помогают в воспитании детей?
— Никак не помогают. Мы, родители, воспитатели и учителя, уже давно запутались и забыли две простые вещи. Школа и детский сад — учат, семья — воспитывает. Эти две сферы никак не должны пересекаться. И лично я уверен, что школа не имеет никакого права воспитывать вашего ребенка, а вы не должны заниматься его домашними заданиями. Когда мне на родительском собрании объясняли, как надо заполнять ту или иную тетрадь, я удивлялся: «А зачем вы мне все это рассказываете? Обсуждайте с сыном: он же ученик». Я самоустранился от процесса обучения, и, как показала практика, это очень полезно. Учителя поначалу были шокированы подобной позицией, но очень скоро они поняли, что я непреклонен, и мы находим общий язык.
Я не говорю, что полностью равнодушен к происходящему в школе у ребенка. Если он попросит у меня помощи с домашним заданием, я сделаю все, что смогу. Но только в этом случае. Я не проверяю дневники, в свое время объяснил старшему, как подделывать свою подпись, и не знал беды. Не то чтобы я учил ребенка врать, просто я объяснил ему, что в современном мире есть условности, которые мы вынуждены соблюдать. Какими бы идиотскими они ни были.
К слову, я вообще считаю, что если ходить и на родительские собрания, то обязательно с ребенком. Это же его учеба, его жизнь, его проблемы. Как можно обсуждать их без того, для кого это важнее всего?
Школа и детский сад, помимо образования, отчасти выполняют лишь еще одну функцию — социализации ребенка. Она дает модели того, как взаимодействовать с другими людьми, с обществом, с авторитетами. Те модели, которые порой строятся в наших учреждениях образования, здоровыми и нормальными я не считаю. Поэтому компромиссы со школой должны иметь максимум формальный характер.
— Родители очень боятся, что их ребенок попадет в плохую компанию, как итог — криминал и наркотики. Есть ли практические советы, позволяющие уменьшить риски?
— Если такие вопросы возникают, то вы уже задавили своего ребенка, полностью подавили его личность. Вспомните, о чем мы говорили: если вы воспитываете в своем ребенке внутреннюю референцию, то в любой компании он будет лидером, и опасений относительно того, что на него кто-то повлияет, не должно возникать вообще.
Если внутренняя референция отсутствует, единственное, что я могу предложить, — это тренинги с профессионалами. Вам надо научиться передавать ребенку ответственность за его жизнь, тогда, по моему опыту, все нормализуется: сын или дочь начнет думать о последствиях, и в этом случае они, как правило, уходят из плохих компаний.
И помните, что наркотики в жизни ребенка появляются тогда, когда отсутствует взаимоуважение в семье и есть попытка тотального контроля со стороны родителей. Ведь те, кто продают наркотики, целенаправленно ищут таких проблемных подростков и предлагают им «свободу». В наркоманскую компанию и в секты затягивают как? Человеку говорят: «Здесь тебя примут таким, какой ты есть». Представляете, как это жутко звучит для родителей? То есть они своего ребенка так не воспринимают? Получается, что так оно и есть.
Для кого-то станет новостью, что после пяти лет ребенок сформирован и влиять на его характер мы можем очень опосредованно. What to do? Во-первых, совершенно бесполезно испытывать чувство вины по поводу упущенных возможностей. Воспринимайте ситуацию философски, я бы даже сказал кармически: все, что вы могли сделать, вы сделали. А сейчас передавайте своим детям ответственность за собственную жизнь. Делайте это поэтапно, если страшно сразу. То есть если вы передали ответственность за мытье посуды, чашки и кружки сына или дочери вы больше не моете. Если передали ответственность за уборку в комнате, то больше вы никогда не заглядываете в нее с целью проверить на наличие бардака и ни разу не напоминаете об уборке.
Поначалу бардак в комнате будет, поверьте. Первое время вас будут проверять: насколько искренне вы передали ответственность? И когда понимание того, что все серьезно, придет (на это уходит обычно от двух недель до двух месяцев), ребенок примет решение, как ему жить дальше. Если вся остальная квартира содержится в чистоте, а посуда помыта, с практически стопроцентной вероятностью могу утверждать, что и в комнате ребенка в какой-то чудесный день вы увидите перемены к лучшему. Возможно, это будет другой порядок, не близкий вам. Это будет его порядок, и ему в нем будет комфортно. Но ведь именно этого мы и добиваемся?